Derek Jeter/Zach Johnson

Zach Johnson asks Derek Jeter about his leadership approach.

https://twitter.com/ChampionsTour/status/1696531306900005215?s=20

Humility, Clarity, Courage

There are three essentials to leadership: humility, clarity and courage. ~ Fuchan Yuan

There are hundreds of different definitions of leadership, and to me leadership is very personal. Your approach has to fit who you are, the behavior you model and the core values you believe in. I’ve always loved this quote. Leadership is a lot of different things to different people, but leaders have certain characteristics.

The best leaders are clear, courageous and humble. And great leadership isn’t easy, which means always being clear, courageous and humbles isn’t that simple. Think about how you coach your team. i think most of us think it’s important to be clear. That’s pretty basic. But how do we go about it? A lot of coaches think being clear is yelling the same thing louder, rather than slowing it down and explaining it.

I’m not sure how much coaches think about being courageous or being humble. A lot of us are driven by the power that comes with being in charge, and our egos grow. I think most people respond better to a humble leader, rather than to arrogance, but again it isn’t easy. We want to be in command and control and with that I think humility often goes out the window.

Courage is another element that probably doesn’t cross our mind enough as head coaches. I used the word courage with my players a lot, and to be effective they had to see a courageous coach. Am I willing to take the necessary risks for us to be great? Will I start the walk-on who brings it every day and is tough as nails when the starter isn’t locked in? Will I leave the freshmen on the floor late in the second half to close out a game when he is outplaying the starter? It’s so easy to stay with the decisions that are comfortable, that won’t get criticized, but it takes courage to be great. I’m not sure we think about the courage we need to display as the head coach to get our team playing without fear.

Great leaders have a lot of different characteristics and there is no one set formula that fits everyone. But if you are humble, clear and courageous your approach will resonate with your players and enhance their belief in your approach.

Model The Behavior

“Leading by example is exceedingly hard. Not because leaders can’t set a strong example others will follow, but rather because truly leading by example requires near-perfect consistency. Any deviation, exception, hypocrisy, or departure from the example negates whatever made it so worth following to begin with.

A leader who displays and acts with integrity can’t do so 99 percent of the time and still serve as an example. It’s 100 percent or nothing when it comes to illustrating for others what we hope they will emulate. 

Team members and colleagues watch leaders like hawks. They zoom in on what leaders do with great consistency and purpose. When they have immense respect for those leaders, they learn from their example.”  - Admired Leaders

I’ve always said the biggest difference between being an assistant coach and becoming a head coach is that, as a head coach, you are always “on.” You are always the guy expected to provide direction, answer the questions and set the tone. As soon as your kids see you walk into the gym, they are looking at you for cues (I once had a graduating senior tell me that he’d look at the color of the quarter zip I was wearing and know what type of mood I was in that day). They are reading your body language, the tone of your voice, and every other move you make. Like it or not, when you are in charge you are sending a message as soon as you walk in the room.

What type of team do you want to have? If you want them to be tough, smart, disciplined and composed - do they see that behavior in their head coach? If you want energy, excitement and intensity at practice every day, they need to see it from you. When you look at your team, like it or not, you are looking in the mirror. If they are unprepared and undisciplined, I’d take a look at the behavior they are seeing from you.

The most important thing as a coach that you can do is model the behavior you want to see from your team. You are always leading by example, and it only takes one situation where you show some inconsistency to lose their trust. If you want to see it from them, they need to see it from you.

Influence, Not Authority

“The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority.” - Ken Blanchard

What is your approach with your team? To influence them, or have authority over them?

The traditional coaching and leadership model is I’m in charge, I tell you what to do. Ask yourself if that is the best way to get the most out of your players. The best leaders give control to their team and teach them how to solve the problems they will face. The best coaches do the same.

Your influence is very powerful, your authority not as much as you think.

Transcending the Environment

https://twitter.com/WDWconvo/status/1525993080205230081?s=20&t=Ojc7HD3fPAozMtT7aAtyMg

Tell Them What To Say

I don’t think any team communicates enough if you ask their coaches. We are always pleading with our teams to talk more. Every team I’ve coached hasn’t talked enough to satisfy their coaching staff, to the point where it must be harder than we think. It’s not natural for a lot of guys to communicate openly and consistently, especially when they have a job to do in the middle of an intense game. It’s simply not that easy to get players to talk, or we wouldn’t be complaining about it all of the time.

It’s hard for a lot of players to do their job and talk to their teammates at the same time. Not everyone can handle it. We can’t just simply yell at them constantly to talk more. They need to know what to say.

I think this is a point a lot of us miss. If you want your team to communicate more, tell them what to say. They need to know the language, and it needs to be simple. One word cues. “Help.” “Blitz.” “Left.” “Right.” Don’t expect your guys to have a full conversation with their teammates. If you make it too complicated for them to talk, you are only making it harder.

Simply yelling and screaming at your team to “Talk!” isn’t helping them. For most, it doesn’t come naturally. Develop your own team language, using as many one word cues as you can. It can be something that your players take ownership of, that becomes their own. But make sure you tell your team what to say. It will make them a lot more comfortable talking on the court, and ease some of your frustration with your team’s lack of communication.

Interview - The Coaching Ladder

I had a fun conversation with the guys from The Coaching Ladder this week.

https://twitter.com/CoachBobWalsh/status/1686148498616467456?s=20

Decisive

“It’s more important to be decisive than to be right.” - Brad Faxon, 8-time PGA Tour winner, talking about putting.

I was at Manhattan’s summer workout yesterday watching John Gallagher with his new team, and they were focused on offensive execution. Gal has always been a great offensive coach, his teams running fluid motion with great spacing and relying on skill and sharing the basketball. With only 2 returning players on his roster his team was far from perfect, but they had a very good idea of the spacing and timing needed to be hard to guard.

The offense involves a lot of reads, with the ball movement and the cutters dictating what happens next. The offensive players have a lot of freedom to read the defense and. make the right play. Gallagher was constantly teaching his guys how to make the right play, not run the play. One word that kept coming out of his mouth was “decisive.” He kept telling his team they had to be decisive on offense, because the decision made by the ball would dictate the rest of the action.

It reminded me of the above quote from Brad Faxon, something I read early in my career as a head coach and have repeated to my teams ever since. It is more important to be decisive than to be right. It always resonated with me and fit exactly what I was trying to get out of my teams. But I usually find myself saying it on the defensive end, not the offensive end. When it comes to help, attacking the ball, rotations, and all of the the things that need to be in sync to have a great defense, I wanted my guys to be decisive. I didn’t want them to worry about being right.

I had never really thought about the term on the offensive end, but it’s applicable as well, especially if you aren’t a set play guy and you want your guys making plays. We are trying to score on offense, we are not trying to run the play. I want our guys to have the freedom and confidence to do so. If they are too worried about being “right” - and pleasing the head coach - they aren’t going to react properly and make the right play. I want playmakers on offense, guys who aren’t afraid to make mistakes.

It’s more important to be decisive than to be right. On both offense and defense, the committed action of one player tells all of the other ones where they need to be. Get your guys to be decisive - and top worrying about being right - and you’ll have a much more confident team.

Josh Merkel - Randolph Macon

A terrific podcast with Josh Merkel, a national championship winning coach at Randolph-Macon. Well worth your time.

Culture and Confidence Podcast with Jeremy Mellady

Emotional Response

Are we too controlling as coaches when it comes to the emotional responses of our players?

When a player responds emotionally, he’s telling you a lot about himself. We don’t usually like to see emotional responses from our guys - especially negative ones - and we tend to jump on them quickly. Somebody misses an open shot or turns the ball over and lets out some frustration, and we want them to move past it. “Next play, let’s go!” We don’t want any negative energy in the gym, and the ability to move on quickly is seen as a sign of mental toughness.

We don’t want a player getting emotional to impact the next play. Or do we? Granted, if a player gets frustrated and then can’t focus on the next job at hand, that’s a problem. But what if a little bit of anger serves as motivation and turns into energy on the next play? What if it helps sharpen his focus? I think we often jump on a negative response because we think it looks bad or we just don’t want to see it in our gym. But is there value in seeing an emotional response? I think there is.

First of all, you have to let your players be themselves. Some people wear their emotion on their sleeve while others hardly show any at all. I’m not sure you can - or should want to - control that. The important thing is their ability to move on to the next most important thing. And everyone handles that a little differently. I think there are some players who need to let out some emotion to be able to get past what just happened. If you jump on them right away, you may actually frustrate them even more.

Emotion will also allow you to learn about your players - how mature are they, how do they handle challenges, how much it matters to them. I’m not saying it’s the only way to understand your guys, but it is a way to get to know them better. To see them react naturally to what is going on around them, and to see if they can handle it. If you let it happen in practice and watch it play out, you’ll get a better understanding of how your guys might handle the pressure of a big spot in a game. You can get a better window into the mindset of your players and how you can coach them better.

I’m not saying negative emotion - or any emotion at all - is always a good thing. But it can be productive in the big picture. It’s a way for you to learn more about your players and the best approach to making them better. You have to be intentional about how you deal with it - I don’t think adding more emotion to the situation is the best way - and you have to know what’s best for your team and players. You also have to coach to your own personality. A lot of coaches are on their kids about emotional responses, but are out of control emotionally themselves. What message does that send?

Don’t be too quick to jump on your guys for an emotional response. The fact that they really care is a good thing. The games are going to be emotional. It’s how they handle their emotions - and most importantly, how you coach them to handle them - that is really crucial. An emotional response isn’t always a bad thing.

Ask Better Questions

Asking the right questions is an essential skill for any leader. I’m struck by how little we actually ask questions when we are a head coach. We think our job is to tell everyone what to do - players, staff, support staff. When we do that we create a compliant team, one that does what it is told. If you want a committed team, ask them questions and allow them to take ownership.

This is really good from Admired Leaders:

Asking great questions is a skill in short supply, even among some very good leaders. 

The benefits of great questions go beyond expanding knowledge and gaining insight. Well-constructed questions can build trust and rapport with others and guide them to, rather than tell them, what they are missing. Of the many tools of leadership, great questions are unequaled in their value and impact. 

Great questions don’t have to be complex or clever or brilliant. They simply have to get others talking. The power of a superbly crafted question to get people to share their views is amazing. As a result, good leaders spend considerable time formulating, borrowing, and revising questions they believe will expand the conversation and allow for insight and connection. The best questions are on occasion thought-provoking and challenging, but they are always expansive and empowering, creating a space for others to share their views. 

Like many things leadership, learning from others through questions is more about the questioner than the answerer. Whenever good leaders don't like the answer to a question they pose, they know it's due to the question, not the responder. 

The rule good leaders live by is this: If I don’t like the answer, I need to ask a better question.

Learning what others think and experience is what all good leaders are ultimately after. When they receive single-word answers, grunts, or replies without description from others, including children, leaders presume it is the question and not the responder that is responsible. 

Asking someone, “How was your day?” may elicit a wide variety of responses, including the lazy reply of, “Fine.” In the eyes of a good leader, this is more a function of the question than it is the responder. Ask a better question, such as, “What was the best thing that happened today?”  Suddenly, the other person begins to talk. 

Learning to ask better questions requires trial and error. With an eye toward what gets others to share, open up, and express their honest viewpoints, leaders begin to appreciate what makes some questions better than others. They soon appreciate it is not the answer that illuminates what people think, but the question that breaks down the door. Better questions get better answers. Did you know that? 

Shot Selection

“I don’t tell you guys what shot to shoot. You tell me.” - Paul Mills, Wichita State

Change and Teaching the Game

"He who rejects change is the architect of decay." - Harold Wilson

How much are you willing to change as a coach? A lot of coaches get stuck in a certain way of doing things, it’s what they know, and they just continue to do it. When things aren’t working, the adjustment is to work harder and do it better. Put in more time and figure it out.

In the business world you’ll hear the phrase “adapt or die.” You had better stay up with the current climate, the changes being made and adjust your approach accordingly. Most businesses are in an incredibly competitive environment where customers have a lot of options. If you don’t continue to provide the best product and customer experience, somebody else will. As coaches we work in a similar environment - high pressure, a lot of options for our players and a changing landscape within and around the game - remember when 7 foot post players had to be the first pick in the draft? But a lot of coaches aren’t really on board with innovation and change. In my first 9 years as a head coach we went to 8 NCAA Tournaments, and I realized each year we had to adapt and adjust, regardless of how good we were, to stay on top.

One reason why I think many of us are resistant to change is the business itself. Think about how we learn in the coaching business. We try as hard as we can to get on staff somewhere, and that’s how we learn. There aren’t nearly as many instructional camps to work as their used to be, where the best players used to go and play for the best coaches. I learned how to coach at Morgan Wootten’s basketball camp outside of DC, and all of his former coaches came back and served as commissioners. I watched a bunch of different coaches teach the game. When you go to college camps or showcase camps and work these days, the emphasis isn’t really on instruction. You can certainly learn from the staff at the camp, but you don’t really get to see accomplished coaches teaching the game in different ways. The emphasis is on keeping the kids happy so they’ll come back, or playing games in front of coaches at a showcase camp.

We learn to teach the game, therefore, with a very narrow lens. We really only see the staff that we are working for “teach” the game, and when you move on, that is what you know. There isn’t a lot of diversity in what you see being taught to players. You can learn by going to clinics, and through scouting opponents in your current job, but in neither situation are you watching the game being taught. You might love the way another team you are scouting plays offensively, but by watching film you aren’t learning how to teach it.

What does this create? I think it creates a lot of coaches who are creatures of habit. You learn one way to teach things, and that is how you operate. I know as a head coach there were times I wanted to change, but it was in an area I wasn’t comfortable teaching, because I had never done it before, nor had I seen it taught before. As we continued to have success year after year I did find ways to adapt by studying the game, picking the brains of other coaches I respected, and coming up with a way to teach what I had learned. But that last part is the most important - to be able to adapt and change, you can’t just learn the material, you have to figure out how to teach it.

As a coach coming up, diversify your experiences as much as you can. Learn to teach from different people. Take different jobs and move around as an assistant. Try and get to camps where you know the coaches are teaching the game. The more you can mix up your experience, the better you will be down the road as a coach, and the more you will be willing to change and adapt to stay on top.

Autonomy

Great podcast from 3x5 leadership on autonomy.

It’s interesting to learn about what really motivates people, and the differences between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. I think a lot of times as coaches we get this stuff wrong. The reward/punishment approach (extrinsic) doesn’t really motivate our players the way we think it does. Studies show that we are motivated more by intrinsic rewards - specifically autonomy, mastery, and purpose.

Are you giving your players the autonomy they need to really achieve at a high level?

Low Energy

You hear it a lot from the losing coach. “I didn’t like our energy tonight.” Losing teams often lament being “low energy.” We’ve all said it usually after our team struggled. But I’m not sure if it’s actually the cause of the problem, or the result.

If low energy is the cause of why many teams don’t play well and lose, then why don’t we know how to correct it? Why can’t we fix it ahead of time? We are with our teams every day and the energy we bring is important to our success. I can’t say we should expect an elite level of energy and intensity every single day, but how often should we expect low energy? If we can’t get our teams to bring the right amount of energy on the 30 nights each year we get to play games, we have to be missing something.

I’m not sure low energy is the cause of the problem. The problem is we aren’t playing well and the other team is beating us. Low energy might just be a comfortable blanket we use to cover our issues when things aren’t going well. When you really think about it, how does low energy make any sense on game night? Sure, you are going to get outplayed. And some nights you might not be mentally as focused or ready to play as you are on others. We are all human. But to go through a game with low energy and get beat doesn’t really co-exist with the way we train to compete every day.

I think “low energy” is a label we use as coaches to remain comfortable. It points the blame at the players - they are the ones who didn’t bring the energy - and simplifies the team issue. If the guys didn’t play hard enough what was I supposed to do? Of course coaches are going to try and figure out different ways to get their teams “ready to play,” but the low energy label shields the coaching from the criticism for the most part.

I think the main problem when you hear low energy is you are getting outplayed. The other team is better. They are crisper, they are more focused, they are moving the ball better - they are doing the basketball things that are important to winning better than you. Low energy is the result - not the cause - of one team getting outplayed by the other. Their game plan was better, their approach was better, their players were better. When one team is playing well, they appear to have a lot more energy, but the execution comes first.

Most teams come out of the gates ready to compete, playing hard. The skill and ability in the game starts to take over, and one team gets the better of the other. But I don’t really see too many teams who, three minutes into a game, look like “well, we just don’t have a lot of energy tonight.”

The team that gets outplayed usually looks like they don’t have a lot of energy. Prepare your team to play the game, compete hard every day, and the energy in your games will not be a problem. When things don’t work out, look to fix the basketball issues, not the energy.

Curiosity and Leadership

A trait I usually find in the best leaders I coach is curiosity. Great leaders are naturally curious about their teammates. I'm not sure this is something you can teach. It's more of a personality trait than a skill you can cultivate. And to me, it's a trait that helps make you an effective leader.

Many players don't have the ability to think about others while they are playing. It just doesn't come naturally to them. It doesn't mean they aren't good players - some of the best players I have coached are self-centered. They focus on their job and they do it well. They don't play selfish, and they can still have an impact on their teammates. They are just locked in on what they have to do, and they don't really think about anything else.

The player who is always talking practice, who knows all the plays from all five spots, who can captain the defense and continuously talk to the ball - to me, that's the guy who is the best natural leader. He's not just talking, he's talking because he's invested in his teammates and naturally interested in what they need to do. Not only that, he has the ability to do his job and think about the other guys on the floor. It's not that simple, and it's not easy for everyone. And it doesn't mean this guy is a great player. He's a great teammate, and a great leader, but not necessarily the best player.

When you are looking at leadership traits with your team or in recruiting, think about how curious a player is about those around them. You'll see clues on the court and off the court. The guy that has a natural interest in the people around him - and their feelings - that's the guy who can be a big-time leader for you.

Reasonable Expectations

Good stuff here from Mike Tomlin on expectations.

https://twitter.com/MySportsUpdate/status/1669524207594528770?s=20

Production and Leadership

Production does not equal leadership. I think a lot of organizations get this wrong, and we do it with our teams. We think the best players are supposed to be the leaders. We equate their ability to produce with their ability to lead the team, and then we spend a lot of time complaining about a lack of leadership.

Do you ever wonder why you find a lot of people in leadership positions who “don’t get it?” Whether they are the CEO of a business, the partner in charge of a law firm, or the President of a non-profit organization, they don’t seem to have a basic understanding of good leadership and the skills necessary to run the organization effectively. We associate the people who have the titles with the ability to lead, but I’ve said for a long time that there is a vacuum of leadership out there in many organizations. The people in charge don’t always understand leadership.

Production, believe it or not, is often the big issue. People get promoted in the business world based on production - the best sales person rockets through the company, eventually getting to a VP level. The best fund-raiser continues to get promoted until she is running the company. In coaching, the best recruiters put themselves in position to become head coaches, and many of them get head jobs based on their production as a recruiter. The problem is that level of production doesn’t necessarily correlate to the leadership skills necessary to do the job when you are in charge.

We all try and make our best players our leaders. In sports, we talk about how the best players have the clout and respect necessary to lead, and we often say someone who doesn’t start or play much can’t lead, because his teammates won’t listen to him. Is that really true? I guess it is if you allow it to be. I understand that teammates will admire and look up to the best players based on their ability to help the team win. There is a certain level of respect given to the better players. But if you are teaching leadership the right way you can define it so that your team knows exactly what you expect from the leaders, and how to understand the important elements of great leadership. Respect, trust, consistency and humility are more important elements of effective leadership than talent. We just have to teach our teams to see it that way.

The production/leadership trap is a really easy one to fall into. We expect people to advance based on their ability to do the job. But some people are just great producers and that is the value they bring to the organization. Their ability to organize, get people to believe and to lead doesn’t match their production. That is a hard truth in a lot of cases, but it needs to be recognized or the organization is going to suffer.

I’ve learned over the years that sometimes my best players just needed to be my best players. That was it. “Why are you trying to force a sandwich down their throat when they aren’t hungry?” Eric Musselman once said to me, and it makes sense. When you try and make someone a leader who does not want that role you are probably making them worse.

You can find great leadership from your great leaders, and they may be different from your great players.

First Responder

How do you handle setbacks? There is a great chapter in Daniel Coyle’s “The Culture Code” about Gregg Popovich and the Spurs, after having just lost game 6 of the NBA finals to a Ray Allen’s famous dagger three-pointer off of a loose ball rebound. The Spurs had a restaurant rented out for the celebration, and Popovich had his team go to the restaurant to be together, even after the loss. One of his assistants described it as “filling their cups.” The Spurs went on to lose game 7 of that series, but came back to win the NBA title in 2014, and almost everyone around the Spurs attributes that title to a mindset that started the night after losing game 6 to the Heat.

The concept of “filling their cups” is an interesting one, something that isn’t easy to think about as a head coach in the moment. When yo lose a game, especially a big one, you immediately want answers, you want to speak, you want to figure out what happened. We like to have discussions in the locker room right after a game, and I realized in those moments what I was saying was more based in emotion than it was fact. I had a college coach who never went into the locker room after a game, he’d simply just write “Practice, tomorrow, 4:00” on the board, win or lose.

Why are we so intent on figuring it out right after the game? Most of that is about us, and how we feel. I do think there is value in making sure your team’s mentality is still okay after a tough loss, just to keep everybody positive and believing in what you are doing. But important decisions and messages should rarely be delivered right after a game, win or lose. The most important thing is to figure out what your team needs, and dismiss how you are feeling. A lot more negative than positive can come out of a post-game speech after a tough loss.

Fill their cups. Get them back to the right place mentally, and then you can start coaching them and making them better, usually the next day. I was struck by this set of Field Notes from Admired Leaders, about how leaders should show up like first responders after a tough loss:

After a major setback, mishap, or defeat, the best leaders don’t immediately act like cheerleaders. Rather, they show up more like first responders. 

Just as real-world technicians who are trained to respond immediately to an emergency situation, the best leaders are first on the scene after a setback to provide the care necessary for a quick recovery.

In the case of a team mishap or defeat, the care most required is simply the presence of the leader and a willing ear. Anything more, and a leader actually impedes recovery, not aids it. 

Leaders who don’t quickly arrive at the scene and offer the support of their presence miss the boat. They don’t need to offer optimism or words of wisdom. They simply need to be present. 

The best leaders resist the urge to add any more value. At least initially. They just show up. Without pointing fingers or finding blame for whatever has transpired. 

Until the emotional sting of the setback or defeat begins to fade, their highest and best use is to simply engage positively. The team is not yet ready for words or explanations or cheerleading. They need to get past the disappointment or disillusionment of the negative outcome. 

This usually doesn’t take very long, depending, of course, on the severity of the mishap and the likely consequences or repercussions of the event. The time it takes for most teams to recover is measured in minutes, not hours. But those are precious minutes where the only essential message that must be conveyed through the facial expressions and body language of the leader is one that has no hint of disappointment or disgust. 

Once the team recovers their equilibrium, it is time for positivity and optimism to flow from the leader. Valuable lessons and insights can now be shared. While every situation calls for a distinct message, the key is not to go there too quickly. Leaders must resist the urge to give the pep talk before the team can actually hear and appreciate it. 

The best leaders are first responders and then masterful coaches. They don’t skip the responder part. Show up physically as soon as you can, but don’t say much until people are ready. You’ll know when. 

“Until the emotional sting of the setback or defeat begins to fade, their highest and best use is to simply engage positively.”

“Leaders must resist the urge to give the pep talk before the team can actually hear and appreciate it.” 

“Show up physically as soon as you can, but don’t say much until people are ready.”

Act like a first responder. Fill their cups. Then you can start to teach again.

The Last Lesson

Sixteen years ago, on the Monday after Thanksgiving in 2008, I was getting ready to head down to practice at RIC when my cell phone rang. At RIC my office was in the Recreation Center, across campus from the Murray Center where we practiced and played, so we had to actually get into our cars and drive down to the Murray Center for practice. As I walked out of the Rec Center towards my car, I looked at my phone. It was my Dad calling.It was odd that my Dad would call at that time, because he knew we practiced late in the afternoon. I had a lot going on getting ready for practice, so I let the call go. I’d give him a call back after practice. I got in my car and started driving down the Rec Center, and my phone rang again. It was my Dad calling again. I figured maybe he just had to ask me a question about something so I picked it up.

It’s hard to describe the feeling you get when your caller ID says “Dad” yet the voice you hear when you say hello is one you don’t recognize. My insides felt hollow. I was sitting at a stop sign waiting to make a right turn when I heard “Detective with the Tampa Police department.” My father had recently bought his retirement home in Tampa. “I’m very sorry to inform you…” My father had been found by his cleaning lady, dead of a heart attack. He was 63 years old.

I was too stunned to know how to feel. I drove down to the Murray Center, parked in the parking lot, and called my brother. I got his wife, who said he was not feeling well and was sleeping. I told her he had to wake him up. When he came to the phone I just said “I just got a call from the Tampa Police department. Dad’s dead.” They had picked up my Dad’s cell phone and looked at his text messages. I had texted him the day before to let him know Providence College was in Anaheim in a tournament, and their game was on TV if he wanted to watch it. He never got the text. The Tampa Police did.

I went inside the Murray Center, totally stunned, and told my AD. I went into the gym and gathered my players who were warming up before practice, and told them. It seemed weird that I told my team before I told anyone else in my family, but I had to let them know I wasn’t going to be at practice. I called my girlfriend – now my wife – and can still hear the shock in her voice.I went home and called my brother again, and we started calling family and close friends. The feeling is hard to describe, it’s like being in a daze. I was shocked, stunned, empty, yet there was a lot of work to do. We had to let people know, to start thinking about arrangements.

Throughout all of it, as bad as I felt, I had this one overriding feeling: Lucky. It's still hard to explain how I felt that way in that moment.  I had a great relationship with my father, and I just felt lucky to have had the relationship I did with him for 36 years. I still feel that way to this day.  As stunned as I was, I just kept thinking about how lucky I was, and I guess that helped me get through that day somehow. My father was very successful. He grew up in Parkchester in the Bronx and had to work hard to get to college. He attended Iona College just North of the City, joining the Marine Reserves to help pay for school, and started a career in business upon graduation. He took a job out of school with KPMG, one of the big accounting firms in New York City, and ended up spending 38 years with the company. By the time he retired he was a senior partner with a big office on Park Avenue. He was very actively involved at Iona College, his alma mater, as the President of their Goal Club, as well as their Alumni Association. He joined a golf club in Westchester and served a stint as the President there. He served on a number of different Board of Directors for different organizations.My father’s wake was a few days later on Castle Hill Avenue in the Bronx, the neighborhood where he grew up. He was still a working class kid from the Bronx, but he had worked his way into being very well off and connecting with some very successful people.

It was overwhelming to see so many people show up to pay their respects. Whenever you're in the situation where someone close to you has a death in the family and you feel like you're not sure what to do, just show up. That’s what you do. You show up. It really helped my brother and I to see so many people who cared about and had been impacted by our father.The wake was a who’s who of powerful people. College President’s, executive VPs, high-powered attorneys, wall street millionaires. It made my brother and I feel very good to see so many of my Dad’s friends and associates. The line was long and it took a couple of hours to see everyone.

Towards the end of the night a man walked in who looked a little out of place. He was wearing a baseball cap and a pair of khakis with a golf shirt and a rumpled jacket. He had a work ID badge hanging around his neck, looking very blue collar in a white collar crowd. I noticed him as soon as he walked in, and I didn’t recognize him. He didn’t talk to anyone, he just waited on line and made his way up to our family to pay respects. He shook my hand and simply said “I’m so sorry for your loss. Your father was a great friend to me.”

I said thank you, but didn't ask him who he was. After he got through the line, he went and sat in the back in a chair by himself. I noticed he said a few words to a few of the people from my Dad’s office. Then he got up slowly, put his cap back on, and started to walk out.I wanted to talk to him before he left, but I hesitated because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. I didn’t want him to think that I was stopping him because I didn’t know who he was. I watched him walk out the door of the funeral home and head back down Castle Hill Avenue – past a number of car service Town Cars ready to take some of the attendees back into Manhattan. He put his cap on and walked back towards the 6 train.

This man was on my mind all night. Before everyone left, I asked one of my father’s work associates if they knew who he was. I thought I had seen him talking briefly with some of the people from my Dad’s office. It turns out he did work in my Dad’s office – in the mailroom. He delivered the mail to my Dad’s floor of his Park Avenue office building, and my Dad had asked him what his name was, befriended him, developed a relationship with him. He asked him about his family. He found out he had two young kids in catholic school.  He'd buy them Christmas gifts so they had nice toys under the tree.  At different times when things were a struggle, my Dad had helped out by paying the tuition for his kids so they could stay in the Catholic grammar school in their neighborhood.

When I learned about this, I couldn’t hold back the tears. This man had gotten on the 6 train in Midtown Manhattan and taken a one hour subway ride to Castle Hill, then walked the six blocks to pay his respects, to say “I’m sorry for your loss” to two sons he had never met. He didn't know us, and hardly knew anyone at the wake. He certainly looked a little bit out of place.I think about this man all of the time. I can still see him putting his hat back on and slowly walking up Castle Hill Avenue to the Subway station. He spent at least two hours on the subway and waited at least 30 minutes in line just to pay his respects. I didn't even know who he was, nor did my brother.  We would have had no idea if he didn't show up.  But he made the trip anyway.

I am very lucky to have had the relationship I did with my father, to spend the time with him that I did. I’m also very proud of the way my Dad lived his life. He made a lot of money and traveled in circles of very successful people. But he was always the same person, the kid who had worked his way out of the Bronx. He had no sense of entitlement about him. I learned so much from him, simply from the way he lived his life and how he acted towards others, even those he didn't know. He treated everyone with dignity and respect and went out of his way to help people in need.

That night, that moment, that man who showed up to pay his respects for my father made me think about how I live my own life. Do I treat everyone with the same respect? Am I courteous and genuine to everyone I meet, regardless of their circumstances and what they can do for me? Do I give people the benefit of the doubt if they are struggling with something, not knowing what might be going on in their life? Do I show the right amount of gratitude in my daily routine?

How do I treat the people in my "mail room?"  We all have people in the mail room in our life. How do we interact with those people? Do we treat them with respect and go out of our way to make sure they are comfortable? Do we think about what we can do to help them? Or others who might not come from the same background that we do?

What am I doing every day to make sure, when it’s my time, that the guy in my mail room is going to show up for me?

That was the last lesson my father ever taught me.